Scarred, but not defeated

5Scars

You don’t have to see them. Sometimes, you don’t even feel them happening. Until one day you wake up a little different. A little broken.

Physical scars are easy to deal with for the most part. You fall down, clean up the wound and take some medicines. You wait for the scab to form (and then pick at it). But then its done.

Emotional scars cut away at your soul. You feel this hollowness from thinking about events. A darkness. I know. I was never an unhappy person. In fact I wouldn’t consider myself unhappy now either. But I have these dark corners in my mind. It hurts to think of some events, some people, some things.

As in every relationship one person is dominating and one is not. I am the more submissive one. I end up being the one to reconcile every fight. And I hate it. Every time I cave, it leaves a scar. One more defeat. One more acceptance of guilt, even if it’s not mine.

I’ve been in this place for so long I no longer know how to leave. I no longer know how to assert myself. To say NO! To say – you cannot talk to me like that. Instead I say, what did I do wrong? Tell me.

Its pathetic. I know. I don’t even know why I do it. I imagine being strong and standing up for myself. But it just never happens.

But I soldier on. I do fight. I make my point. Even though I am scarred, I am not defeated.