You don’t have to see them. Sometimes, you don’t even feel them happening. Until one day you wake up a little different. A little broken.
Physical scars are easy to deal with for the most part. You fall down, clean up the wound and take some medicines. You wait for the scab to form (and then pick at it). But then its done.
Emotional scars cut away at your soul. You feel this hollowness from thinking about events. A darkness. I know. I was never an unhappy person. In fact I wouldn’t consider myself unhappy now either. But I have these dark corners in my mind. It hurts to think of some events, some people, some things.
As in every relationship one person is dominating and one is not. I am the more submissive one. I end up being the one to reconcile every fight. And I hate it. Every time I cave, it leaves a scar. One more defeat. One more acceptance of guilt, even if it’s not mine.
I’ve been in this place for so long I no longer know how to leave. I no longer know how to assert myself. To say NO! To say – you cannot talk to me like that. Instead I say, what did I do wrong? Tell me.
Its pathetic. I know. I don’t even know why I do it. I imagine being strong and standing up for myself. But it just never happens.
But I soldier on. I do fight. I make my point. Even though I am scarred, I am not defeated.
I think this world comprises of two types of people – two sets of beings if you will. One – who have found their passion, and the other set who haven’t and who seem to float through life day after day. I have the honour of hailing from the second category. I go through life each day wondering what if this is truly what I want to do. And every day I hope that the next day will magically bring some answers.
I’ve repeated this routine enough number of times to know now that magical revelations of life’s purpose don’t happen. And this knowledge does nothing to console me. Instead, I am terrified. I am terrified of going through life while others march on their path of greatness. I am terrified of being left behind. I am terrified of getting too comfortable of where I am.
And while I make these bold claims of recognising my fear, I do nothing. I think procrastination lives within us all. Almost like a virtue. It was even my New Year’s resolution to procrastinate less, but five months into this New Year, here I am. Doing just that.
I often wonder if I am alone in the way I feel. Does anyone else suddenly feel so lost? I had my life charted out right through college, and then I landed this amazing job that any new graduate would kill for. And suddenly, I am dying to get out of it. But where do I go? I know nothing else.
I am a lost soul looking for my life. I’m looking for purpose and I haven’t the first clue where to find it.
Unfortunately, my job is not my passion. I thought it was. But turns out, it’s just what I’m good at. It’s not my passion. And to add to my life’s struggle I do not know what my passion is. Yes, I know how sad that sounds. How do you not even know yourself well enough by now? Well, I don’t. But now I’ve desperately started looking. I’m writing down my thoughts thinking something will come out of this.
Maybe it will. Maybe I will find magic.